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Vona Stewart

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Let’s talk about posts like this. @upworthy I

Let’s talk about posts like this. @upworthy I sincerely mean no disrespect to Pam Berg who wrote the post. She’s sharing what was for her, a meaningful moment. I have a whole diatribe of words I can say (and did say in my stories today) about how it isn’t possible to love deeply and selflessly 100% of the time, and that’s okay. But there’s more to it than that. This is not just a sweet little motivational story from Pam. There’s another story here, one the post, and one Upworthy ignores. It’s the story of the widow. According to the post, she’s only two months out from losing her person; from having her entire world implode. The fact that she has her lace-up shoes on and is out running is a damn miracle. A moment of silence, please, for this bad-ass survivor who is continuing to wake up in the morning. What happened here, is that her friend Pam was complaining (as we do, and as is normal and usual, and nothing to feel bad about). She didn’t want to go to the store. She didn’t want to make the chili for her husband. And her widow friend, her still-in-the-trenches widow friend, was triggered. She heard one thing: her friend still had her person to do things for. So she said, “Make the chili.” And the message is not, “DO ALL THE THINGS WHILE YOU STILL HAVE THE CHANCE.” The message is not even, “Love deeply and selflessly” as the post entreats. The message is actually this: Sometimes it hurts when you talk about not wanting to do things for the spouse (or partner or child or parent) you still have in front of the grieving person who has lost theirs. That’s the other side of this story. That’s the message. Pam took it as an invitation to go home and hold her loved ones a little closer. And that’s great for her and great for her loved ones, but not so great for her widow friend. If your friend is grieving, maybe try to be more mindful about the things you say. If you aren’t sure, ask. It’s not that you can never talk about your person again, but just be aware that it can serve as a reminder for all your friend has lost.

I wear Eric’s hats all the time, now. It felt st

I wear Eric’s hats all the time, now. It felt strange to tighten the band. Part of me wanted to leave it right where it was; keep them all on the shelf where his own hands last placed them. Sometimes, when I wear this one, strangers give me looks of approval or call out, “Go Yankees.” I have no idea who the Yankees are or what they play. Baseball? I haven’t bothered googling. Sometimes I blurt out, “It was my husband’s hat.” No one knows what to do with that or what I mean, and by then we’re passing; the stranger gone, and I’m still carrying a bunch of unsaid things about Eric on my tongue. How he died, how long he has been gone, how I wear his hats and sleep in his shirts, how he’d be walking his dog and wearing this hat himself if he were still here. Molly takes terrible selfies. I can’t get her to hold still or understand the camera. Like all of us, she’ll still cry if we play a video with Eric’s voice or his laugh. She still looks behind us when we come home—searching for the missing person. She sometimes catches his scent in our closet and whines with her nose in one corner. But she seems to have completed her new bond with me. It’s a trauma bond, and it’s strong. She follows me everywhere, even if I’m just getting up to refill my glass of water. She shakes if I get my purse or put on my shoes, afraid I’ll go somewhere without her and never return. I don’t have a great way to end this. My words feel all clogged up. I haven’t been able to write anything about the seven month mark, and the Fourth of July celebrations here will.not.end. I didn’t think that holiday would be difficult for us, but hahahahahaha. Cute how I keep thinking the next month will be easier. (August though! No holidays. No anniversaries. No immediate-family birthdays. It’ll be a breeze, right?) #profoundloss #griefhurts #griefsucks #griefsupport #griefislove #griefandhealing #grievingprocess #griefrecovery #dealingwithgrief #copingwithgrief #loveandloss #normalizegrief #griefawareness #griefandloss #widowlife #widows #lifeafterloss #widow #youngwidow #youngishwidow #griefjourney #widowspeak #partnerloss #widowshelpingwidows #grief #loss #lossofalovedone #griefcycle

Seven whole months. 💔 Just up late crying over

Seven whole months. 💔 Just up late crying over photos and song lyrics (more in my stories), and wishing I could forget it all for just a little while. #awidowsstory #widow #widowtribe #youngwidow #widowsisters #widowwarrior #widowshelpingwidows #widowbond #widowspeak #widowsofinstagram #grief #grieving #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefislove #normalizegrief #griefprocess #writingyourgrief #resilientgrief #loss #lifeafterloss #bereavement #death #partnerloss

As one of my kids said this morning, today is a st

As one of my kids said this morning, today is a stupid day. This man LOVED being a father and he “[…] deserved a lifetime of Father’s Days.” - @imsorrywerefriends He deserved so many things. He deserved to add a fresh batch of handmade cards to his collection this morning (he kept every single one). He deserved a trip to Finland with his family. He deserved a chance to finally take me to Italy and show me the best places to get gelato. He deserved to hold a grandchild and nearly burst with the joy of it. He deserved to live the life we dreamed of, counted on, and planned for. Our kids deserved to grow up with his warm and funny presence in their lives; to flourish and bloom beneath the bright sun of stability having a loving, living father brings. Instead, this is our impossible reality. It doesn’t feel any more real than it did almost seven months ago. 💔💔💔 I still have trouble getting my mouth around the “happy” part of these celebratory days, so I will will raise this glass of Alka-seltzer (grief often gives me a stomach ache) and say, “Have a day!” to all the men in my life lucky enough to still be here. To those hurting along with us, I hope you had a day, too. Ours was mostly spent under the covers and maybe tonight we’ll have a campfire. But it was definitely a day, and we’ll be glad when it’s over. #awidowsstory #widow #widowtribe #youngwidow #widowspeak #widowsofinstagram #grief #grieving #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefislove #normalizegrief #griefprocess #writingyourgrief #loss #lifeafterloss #bereavement #death #fathersday #fathersdaygrief #fatherloss #parentloss #partnerloss #griefhurts #griefsucks #dealingwithgrief #copingwithgrief #loveandloss #griefandloss #griefjourney #fathersday2021

Every so often, there is a pocket of peace in the $Every so often, there is a pocket of peace in the midst of heavy grief. Tonight, I am enveloped in a soft and gentle quiet. There is something buoying in the silence that makes me feel like surviving this loss might be possible. Not just possible because there is no other choice but to forge ahead, the pieces of my fractured heart clutched tightly in my palms, but possible because there is hope. Hope is the thing with feathers, but Emily Dickinson got it wrong; sometimes it does stop singing. Late Saturday night I drove over to the cemetery to rescue our mementos before all of the Memorial Day decorations were cleaned up. That night, there was no peace. The loss was too great, the burden too heavy. I could not carry it any longer. I collapsed, crying the ragged sobs of the lost and broken-hearted, begging and pleading for an answer that did not come. I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life, dry-heaving into the vase I held on my lap until tiny blood vessels burst beneath my eyes. Two ends of the grief spectrum experienced within days of one another. Perhaps with time, I’ll find the thing with feathers always returns. But right now I’m afraid to trust it. I feel like Molly whining at the door each time one of us has to run an errand without her. After her favorite person disappeared without a trace, she lives in fear the rest of us will vanish as well. How long will it take her to believe we are always coming back? Months? Years? Never? And what happens if lightning strikes this family twice? What then? It’s after midnight, now. The spring air is cool, the night sky dark and starless. The kids have gone inside to rinse the smoke from their hair, but I am still here, waiting for the last embers to fade. For whatever reason, the quiet peace remains. It is not something I can fold into a suitcase and wrap up in the next time I break, so I will sit with it as long as I can.$

It was the end of the party and he wanted to go ho

It was the end of the party and he wanted to go home, but he tolerated a few photos—photos I’m so very grateful to have. I don’t have nearly enough. Take the pictures, guys. Don’t wait until you look or feel your best. Just take them and smile for them.
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Posting some random grief-feels in my stories today. (Will save [typos and all] to the grief highlight after they expire.)
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#profoundloss #griefhurts #griefsucks #griefsupport #griefislove #griefandhealing #grievingprocess #griefrecovery #dealingwithgrief #copingwithgrief #loveandloss #normalizegrief #griefawareness #griefandloss #widowlife #widows #lifeafterloss #widow #youngwidow #youngishwidow #griefjourney #widowspeak #partnerloss #widowshelpingwidows #grief #loss #lossofalovedone

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