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Vona Stewart

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Black Hen Books
P.O. Box 402
Rigby, ID 83442

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About Vona

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There are a few new gravesites. A baby. Twin babi

From “One week away from ten months” on the bl

Short caption: Eric, watching his own kids play wi

Short caption: Eric, watching his own kids play with our baby goats. Long caption: When someone dies, are you quick to tell yourself or other grievers that it’s ok because the deceased lives on in heaven? Do you tell those who are sad, who are struggling to sleep, who can’t yet look at their loved one’s clothes, that god has a plan? Is it difficult for you to see your friends or family members dealing with raw emotion? Do you want to make it go away? Do you even tell them, “I wish I could take away your pain?” Do you send them videos and articles about how others have found peace in Jesus? Do you get angry or frustrated when they seem “hardened” to your message of peace and hope? After all, you’re just trying to help. Allowing yourself to move through and feel uncomfortable feelings can be pretty challenging. Sitting on your hands while someone you care about feels their own feelings can be even harder. Especially when those feelings are painful. I’ve been thinking about spiritual bypassing a lot lately. What it is, what it means, and how it feels to be on the receiving end of it—all while knowing the person dishing it out is just trying to help. If you’d like to understand more, I have some stuff in my stories today, starting with this picture of Eric in his happy place. (Now saved to the new “Bypassing” highlight.) #profoundloss #griefhurts #griefsucks #griefsupport #griefislove #griefandhealing #grievingprocess #griefrecovery #dealingwithgrief #copingwithgrief #loveandloss #normalizegrief #griefawareness #griefandloss #widowlife #widows #lifeafterloss #widow #youngwidow #youngishwidow #griefjourney #widowspeak #partnerloss #widowshelpingwidows #grief #loss #lossofalovedone #griefcycle

Wearing plaid, holding me, holding a dog leash, an

Wearing plaid, holding me, holding a dog leash, and probably either singing or saying something funny to the kid taking the photo. Basically Eric in a nutshell. ❤️ I’ve probably already shared this photo in a story, but I love it and wanted it on my grid, too. #profoundloss #griefhurts #griefsucks #griefsupport #griefislove #griefandhealing #grievingprocess #griefrecovery #dealingwithgrief #copingwithgrief #loveandloss #normalizegrief #griefawareness #griefandloss #widowlife #widows #lifeafterloss #widow #youngwidow #youngishwidow #griefjourney #widowspeak #partnerloss #widowshelpingwidows #grief #loss #lossofalovedone #griefcycle

Shutterfly sends me photo memories. This one was t

Shutterfly sends me photo memories. This one was taken exactly eleven years ago today. Money was too tight to pay for the photography offered on the train ride, so I snapped a photo of the proof instead. I know. 🙄 I’d send that guy the money plus interest if I knew where to find him. We were on an anniversary trip and it was one of our very best. At the bed and breakfast where we were staying, we were served German pancakes with lingonberry syrup. We had never had anything so wonderful before, and when we got home, we learned how to make the fluffy popovers ourselves. They became a “dad recipe” as Eric quickly memorized how to make them and made them whenever the kids asked. One morning, he thought he’d try melting the copious amounts of butter required for the recipe in glass baking pans over the stove top. The (still little) kids were helping him and they all got a quick lesson on thermal shock as the Pyrex dishes exploded. No one was hurt and Eric took it in a stride. He never “shame spiraled” for making mistakes, which is something I always envied and tried to learn from. Eric simply picked up the pieces and started over with new information. I took a crappy pic with my laptop camera this morning after the Shutterfly memories arrived. I guess I wanted to document the big empty space next to me where I miss him the most. I had been doing paperwork and listening to the first few chapters of the second audiobook, now in production. He would have been here beside me, excited and making plans. All things considered, my anniversary weekend (so far) has not been as horrible as I thought it would be. I’ve felt him close and I don’t always get that, so I’m grateful. I think I’ve said this before, but I continue to wonder if I’ll ever get used to the stark duality of grief—any warmth or closeness I feel doesn’t erase or “fix” the depths of this terrible loss, but it’s an encouraging sort of feeling; one that helps me feel like I might eventually get used to carrying the weight of it.

When I said today was the day that should have bee

When I said today was the day that should have been our 21st wedding anniversary, my friend and fellow griever, @her.art.vines gently pointed out, that it still is. She said, “It will always be the anniversary of the day the two of you married each other.” She said the rewording softened the sharpness for her. And she’s right. Back in February, I stood at the kitchen sink, tears dripping off my nose, and I asked Eric what I was supposed to do to “celebrate” his birthday with the kids. The thought of buying a cake, lighting candles, and singing “Happy Birthday” when he wasn’t actually here to turn 47 felt wrong and upside down. I realized then, we could simply celebrate the day he was born. I don’t know why I didn’t think to apply that same logic to our anniversary. I’ve been feeling a lot of self-imposed pressure to mark this day in a special way and then crying because I don’t know what to do. This morning, I remembered the way he sounded when he said, “Happy Anniversary.” I could almost hear it and wondered if he was near. Then smiled through my tears, because if he was here, yes, there would be flowers on the table and he’d be giving me a hug and kiss before work, but the day itself would probably just be another ordinary Wednesday. We wouldn’t have left for our road trip until the weekend… and I’m not even sure we would’ve had time for a dinner out. He might have ordered take-out and watched 15 minutes of a movie with me before falling asleep sitting up. ☺️ I’m not so much missing some big display of romance and love (though I miss those things, too). I’m missing the comfort of every day life with him. Today doesn’t have to be a big deal. It’s okay if it hurts. It’s okay if all I do is climb back into bed while everyone is at school. It’s okay if I run errands in my sweatpants with my hair stuffed under one of his baseball caps. It’s okay if I cry over our wedding album and blast our song. It’s okay if all I do to mark this day is post on social media and put flowers on his grave. Today will always be the day I cried at the altar with him, held his hand, and said yes. I’d do it again if I had the chance, and I know he would too. ❤️

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